pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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