u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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