dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
