Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
