I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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