i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
