I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Randomize