come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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