My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
