Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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