Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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