You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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