Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
