So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
