new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
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