my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
