Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
