I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
home. puking in laundry basket.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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