Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
