just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
