i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize