you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
