I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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