1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
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