the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
