JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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