I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
