Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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