GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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