I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize