Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
