I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
She's the barista slut.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
