I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Randomize