the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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