Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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