Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Randomize
