I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
This is my gift to your gina
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
