break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
