She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Drunk is not a location!
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
