Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I just found puke in my bra..
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
