pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
