What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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