If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
