Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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