I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
