Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
