checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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