I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
