Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
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