I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
