my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
