I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
