never play flip cup with pint glasses
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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