I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
