pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
