Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
and you fell through a lawn chair
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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