I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
