I think im going to throw up on grandma
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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