My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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