The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
