I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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