I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
