I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
