One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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