I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
