the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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