dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
