Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
