your parents love me but you hate me
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
