I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize