I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
