Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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