oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
