I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
So many bounce houses so little time
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
